A RevelationPosted by Kurn at 11:13 pm
I saw my RL friend the resto druid today. And over the five hours we talked (yes, I am, in fact, long-winded in person as well as in text) we spent precisely one hour talking about WoW.
And in that one hour, dear readers, she pointed out something to me that has completely changed my perspective on a few things.
It’s times like these that I’m really glad I’ve blogged all this stuff, because you can see in my blogs how I have become increasingly unhappy and more distressed at guild crap.
I really started getting CRANKY right about mid-April. It’s then that I was in the middle of my temporary position of healing lead, plus dealing with Priest Who Thinks So Far Outside The Box He Can’t Even See It Anymore, plus raiding too much and too late for my tastes.
My RL friend the resto druid has been concerned about me and my attitude about raiding, both as a friend and as a healing lead. So when we met up today, we had a discussion that completely opened my eyes about a few things.
1) Prior to, say, December/January, I didn’t have a real problem with how people were treated in our raids. I was personally called out a number of times for standing in fire or poison (I do raid at like, 9fps and adjust to those things fairly quickly, but it takes some dying first) and insulted directly. Like “are you retarded?” and such like. I think I was actually asked, by the MT, if I was blind, at one point.
The way it goes in the guild is: you take it. You shut the hell up, bite your tongue and you take it. It’s just business. Don’t take it personally.
This does not excuse or forgive the MT’s behaviour. But you just take it. Period.
And yet, I didn’t have the same recoil and reaction as I did the other week when the MT basically insulted all the healers by lumping us all together with the Failadin. (I’ve since learned that two other people have complained to my RL friend the resto druid about that comment, so it really wasn’t just me.)
The question is, why did I not react as severely to personal insults in September/October as I did to something that could have meant this particular Failadin instead of all healers?
2) I spent two months as healing lead, raiding in a guild I had only joined in order to raid with my RL friend the resto druid… without my RL friend the resto druid. Without her there, raiding became a real obligation and duty to me. Every night I went to a raid, I told myself that I had to go for her, so that she could focus on her RL issues and not let the guild stuff distract her.
It was that important to me that she not need to worry about the guild and the healers. I continued raiding and doing healing despite not wanting to, because I felt bound by loyalty to my friend.
So the answer to the question in the first point up there is this:
The guild has changed. We have had some WICKED turnover. We have lost a ret paladin, a holy paladin, a disc priest, a resto druid, a kitty druid, two hunters, a resto shaman, two mages, a DK tank, an enhancement shaman, two different moonkin, a DPS warrior and a rogue, I think. That’s just the people I can think of off the top of my head. They were all core raiders and all of them have quit the guild or the game.
We pulled in a core bunch of raiders from a failing guild to shore up our numbers and suddenly, raids weren’t cancelled anymore. Sweet deal.
At about this point in time, we had a change. The MT gave up raid leading duties to the current raid leader (a shadow priest), promoting him and the hunter (now DPS lead) to officer.
The new RL is, in my mind, a jackass. But he’s an excellent player. Still, he spends too much time theorycrafting versus seeing what’s actually executable with our raiders. This makes him inflexible and makes me want to beat him in the face with a hockey stick.
But I digress.
The new RL also brought Vent into raids.
Given the new social dynamic brought by the core raiders from that other guild, added to the fact we have now spent time on Vent together listening to each other’s voices… the guild has gotten more social.
Add to that the fact that I was in a position of authority, which was EXACTLY like the position of authority I’ve ALWAYS had in all my other guilds, which were ALL much more social and friendly and such…
And you have the makings of Kurn going batshit insane without realizing what the hell is going on.
Without my realizing it, the guild changed, became more social, became much more like my old guilds. And with me slipping into my old role of healing lead, I began to treat my healers… well, not better, but as if they were MY healers in MY guild, not just my FELLOW healers and guildmates. That’s to say, I took care of them. Not that my RL friend the resto druid doesn’t take care of us, but I slipped into the job and did what I’d always done — reviews of the healers, detailed examinations of the logs, personal attention to the healers…
I was forging relationships (even if they’re just working relationships) with the healers. And trying to forge them with the raid leader, the DPS lead (hunter) and… even the big, bad MT.
And I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It’s just who I am. It’s just what I do.
So talking to my RL friend the resto druid today brought all of this up.
She pointed out that I am taking everything as a personal affront to me these days. Everything. In a raid, out of a raid, in trade chat, in an instance. And she’s right. I am SUPER CRANKY KURN these days.
Because the guild is getting to me. Nine months ago, I treated it like a job. Log in. Raid. Log out.
Ever since my stint as healing lead, I have been forging relationships with some people and taking shit personally. It’s not that job anymore. Now, it’s this horrible situation I’m in where I am literally betwixt and between. All my instincts are telling me to be personable, to continue building these bonds with people but every time I do, I get crankier.
The reason is that the guild is in a state of transition from a very business-oriented guild to a guild like most others, that is somewhat social, but the guild master (the MT) is a complete dick to people in raids.
He’s ALWAYS been a dick to people in raids.
But I take it personally now because I’ve adjusted to the new, more social reality of the guild. Hell, I probably helped contribute to the new, more social reality of the guild by bonding with the healers.
The GM/MT has not. He will not. He never will. He will ALWAYS be The Bad Cop, which was his role four years ago, two years ago, nine months ago and two weeks ago. And will be his role tomorrow and Monday when we pull heroic LK on 25 for the first time.
This realization has completely shifted my perspective.
I realize that one of two things has to happen.
1) I have to go back to thinking of it as a job. Log in. Raid. Log out. Done.
2) I have to leave for a guild that’s more social and friendly and respectful.
I’m going to spend the next three or four days deciding whether or not I can do option 1. I have a feeling that I can’t.
But if I can’t, if I do have to leave… at least I really understand WHY that is. This is a different guild than it was nine months ago. It will never get to the social level I need if it’s going to be a social guild, and it may never return to the very business-like atmosphere it once had. But it may be possible for me to readjust my thinking and go back to how I used to treat my membership in the guild.
My mind is still kind of blown by all of this.
My RL friend the resto druid pretty much rocks, everyone. Because when I realized I had to make one of those two choices, she reminded me that if I have to leave the guild to be happy, that that’s what I have to do. She reminded me that it’s not like I’m leaving her in the lurch, that I shouldn’t feel bound to the guild because of her and that I’ve done so much for her already that she really doesn’t want me to stay if I’m not enjoying myself. She also said it would suck to have to look for another paladin, based on Failadin’s very short trial, but that I really do have her blessing if I’m gonna go.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ve been friends with her since we were six.
More stuff tomorrow here on the blog, including responses to my judgement post comments (must do math and research!), an update on potential guilds to go to and a nugget or two of information about Cataclysm, without spoiling too much. But I got to play Alpha for a little while at my friend’s place today. Woot!